Compartmentalization

God,

You are the Lord of all.

But I have not given you all.  I compartmentalize you. I severe spiritual life from life. I view you in relation to my life when I ought to view life in relation to you. I offer you my prayers, going to church, volunteering, small group, etc. but do I offer you my work, school, friendships, eating, shopping, sleeping, reading, relaxing, time wasting, and all my ordinary living?

You are the Lord of all.

Be the Lord of my life. Take me whole. Take my all. May all I do be unto you. Reveal yourself to me in every moment of life. Reveal yourself in the heights and depths. Reveal yourself in the extraordinary and mundane.

You are the Lord of all.

Break into my life. Break through the divisions I have set up.

You are the Lord of all.

I give unto all I feel, all I think, all I do, and all I am. I give unto you every instant of life.

You are the Lord of all.

To you be all glory and praise. Amen.

The Horror of Consumption: Ramblings Borne out of the Christmas Season

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:19-21

I love Christmas. It is a season of profound beauty, stillness and reflection. It is a time to celebrate and rejoice. I love gathering together with family and friends, in joy, honoring each other and honoring the birth of Jesus.

But Christmas also makes me uncomfortable. Often, I shove this discomfort to the side and ignore it, but it always seems to resurface. I try to rationalize it away, but it will have none of that. This discomfort is rooted in this: My family is very wealthy. Now, I am very thankful for the opportunities this has afforded me (namely, college), but it has also fed my own consumerism. This comes to the fore every Christmas. I try to live very simply, but there is also a lot of stuff that I want, and I could get just about any of it if I ask for it for Christmas. So maybe this is the discomfort: I don't want anything, but I want a whole lot. I don't know if that makes sense, but I am struggling to express this tension within me. I hate consumerism, but it is also so easy to be consumed by it, and there certainly are dangers is asceticism. I don't want to ask for anything for Christmas, but I want a french press, new books, backpacking equipment, clothes, etc. I open up presents and am genuinely happy about all that I get, but the next day I uncomfortable with all the new stuff I have. Maybe I am just weird, but I have a hunch that there is something more at play than my own eccentricity.

Now, I am a consumer. I often become concerned with treasures on earth. And I do not necessarily advocate strict asceticism. This is not about depriving one's self. Christ offers abundant life. But I believe that the abundance of life in Christ is much different that what the world considers abundance. An abundant life is much more easily found in simplicity. I think, sadly, the church has often tried to provide a way out of the radical call of Christ. We seek to preserve comfort, but this is a trap. I understand that everyone may not be called to sell all they possess, but the reality is that a lot more of us are probably called to this than respond, and while God can accomplish all things, you still would think we wouldn't want to be a camel squeezed through the eye of a needle.


It is cliche, but simple is beautiful. Consumption, on the other hand, is a horror (though it is has a great PR team). Here's why:

•  It destroys creation. We are destroying the earth. What we are to steward, we exploit. We have stripped the earth bare, clouded the skies, muddied the waters, and killed life (both now and in the future; plant, animal and human) all in our lust for more and more.
• It blinds us to creation. Not only do we destroy creation, we do not even see creation anymore. We have lost touch with nature. We are surrounded by steel and concrete. I think this has more than just aesthetic consequences. We no longer have rhythm in life. We are sanitized and shielded.
• It harms human relationships. We compete to have the nicest house and biggest bank account. We look down on those who simply have less material possession, and look with envy on those who have more. We never stop working. Stuff takes precedence over people. 
• It harms ourselves. We lose sight of other people and ourselves. We work for more not knowing why more is better. We become greedy and envious. We build our identity upon stuff. We cannot be still. We cannot be happy.
• It stands in the way of God. Money, stuff, all material things are ready-made idols. Our consumption is really a consumption of our own hearts. 

I want to live a life in which I cling to nothing but the love of God. I think it is fully possibly to own things without clinging on to them, being willing to release them, understanding that all is God's. I think it is fully possible to be rich, to use those the riches for good, to be willing to release all those riches if so called by God. But I also think that this is extremely difficult. I have found that the more I possess the more my possessions takes hold of me. Christ's call to not store up treasures on earth is not a restriction but a freedom. So, amid the clamor of the season and the tension within me, I will seek to listen to this call and to seek first His Kingdom. I will try to simplify not as an act of self-righteousness but so that no thing may stand between me and the God of all.

Lord, pour out your grace.

Tattoos on the Heart by Gregory Boyle

I read this book in about four days. At least once every chapter I cried, and some chapters it was almost every page. Read this book. It holds so much beauty. Boyle invites us into the lives of the Homies whom he works with day in and day out at Homeboy Industries in LA. He writes: "The wrong idea has taken root in the world. And the idea is this: there just might be lives out there that matter less than other lives." This book shatters that idea. Boyle reveals the humanity of those whom our society marginalizes most and how our humanity is bound up with theirs. Throughout all, tremendous heartbreak is held alongside tremendous hope, and you see the boundless compassion of God. This book penetrates the soul. Read it, that is all I know to say.

Questions

Do I take comfort in the knowledge that Christ is my savior, or do I take comfort in Christ, my savior?
Do I claim grace or do I receive grace?
Do I live to be known or do I live to know?
Do I love to be loved or do I love to love?
Do I love my ideas about Jesus or do I love Jesus?
Do I know a Jesus or do I love the Jesus?
Is Christ in my life or is Christ my life?

Orthodoxy by G.K. Chesterton

All I knew of Chesterton before reading Orthodoxy was that he was the source of a number of pithy quotes.

For instance, one of my favorites: "Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car."

After reading Orthodoxy, it is clear to me that Chesterton was brilliant. He cuts masterfully through truisms and arguments of the time pointing out time and again how people don't really mean what they are saying, or what they are saying is not really what they mean. Unfortunately, Orthodoxy as a work does not live up to Chesterton's genius. Chesterton himself calls the book "chaotic." Of course, there is some authenticity in this chaos. Orthodoxy is an intellectual autobiography of sorts tracing Chesterton's shift from agnosticism to Christianity. He discovered, to his surprise, that they mysteries and functionings of the world were explained not by any of the modern heresies but rather by the seemingly antiquated Orthodoxy. His argument is not always coherent and at times makes one desire for more nuance, but we most take it for what it is. Orthodoxy is not a work of apologetics, but rather an outpouring of all Chesterton's thoughts on the modern world and Christianity. The book as a whole probably will not change your life, but oh how some the selections will make you think!

--
"Poetry is sane because it floats easily in an infinite sea; reason seeks to cross the infinite sea, and so make it finite. The result is mental exhaustion... to accept everything is an exercise, to understand everything a strain. The poet only desires exaltation and expansion, a world to stretch himself in. The poet only asks to get his head into the heavens. It is the logician who seeks to get the heavens into his head. And it is his head that splits."
-
"Mysticism keeps men sane. As long as you have mystery you have health; when you destroy mystery you create morbidity. The ordinary man has always been sane because the ordinary man has always been a mystic. He has permitted the twilight. He has always had one foot in earth and the other in fairyland. He has always left himself free to doubt his gods; but (unlike the agnostic of to-day) free also to believe in them. He has always cared more for truth than for consistency. If he saw two truths that seemed to contradict each other, he would take the two truths and the contradiction along with them... The whole secret of mysticism is this: that man can understand everything by the help of what he does not understand."
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"there had come into my mind a vague and vast impression that in some way all good was a remnant to be stored and held sacred out of some primordial ruin. Man had saved his good as Crusoe saved his goods: he had saved them from a wreck."
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"what we need is not the cold acceptance of the world as a compromise, but some way in which we can heartily hate and heartily love it. We do not want joy and anger to neutralize each other and produce a surly contentment; we want a fiercer delight and a fiercer discontent. We have to feel the universe at once as an ogre's castle, to be stormed, and yet as our own cottage, to which we can return at evening. No one doubts that an ordinary man can get on with this world: but we demand not strength enough to get on with it, but strength enough to get it on. Can he hate it enough to change it, and yet love it enough to think it worth changing?"
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"[Christianity] not only goes right about things, but it goes wrong (if one may say so) where the things go wrong. Its plan suits the secret irregularities, and expects the unexpected. It is simple about simple truth; but it is stubborn about the subtle truth."
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"Christianity thus held a thought of the dignity of man that could only be expressed in crowns rayed like the sun and fans of peacock plumage. Yet at the same time it could hold a thought about the abject smallness of man that could only be expressed in fasting and fantastic submission... One can hardly think too little of one's self. One can hardly think too much of one's soul."
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"The criminal we must forgive unto seventy times seven. The crime we must not forgive at all. It was not enough that slaves who stole wine inspired partly anger and partly kindness. We must be much more angry with theft than before, and yet much kinder to thieves than before. There was room for wrath and love to run wild."
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"People have fallen into a foolish habit of speaking of orthodoxy as something heavy, humdrum, and safe. There never was anything so perilous or so exciting as orthodoxy. It was sanity: and to be sane is more dramatic than to be mad. It was the equilibrium of a man behind madly rushing horses, seeming to stoop this way and to sway that, yet in every attitude having the grace and statuary and the accuracy of arithmetic. The Church in its early days went fierce and fast with any warhorse..."
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To the orthodox there must always be a case for revolution; for in the hearts of men God has been put under the feet of Satan. In the upper world hell once rebelled against heaven. but in this world heaven is rebelling against hell. For the orthodox ther can always be a revolution; for a revolution is restoration. At any instant you may strike a blow for the perfection which no many has seen since Adam."
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"The mere minimum of the Church would be a deadly ultimatum to the world. For the whole modern world is  absolutely based on the assumption, not that the rich are necessary (which is tenable), but that the rirch are trustworthy, which (for a Christian) is not tenable."
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"Plato has told you a truth; but Plato is dead. Shakespeare has startled you with an image; but Shakespeare will not startle you with any more. But imagine what it would be to live with such men still living, to know that Plato might break out with an original lecture tomorrow, or that at any moment Shakespeare might shatter everything with a single song. The man who lives in contact with what he believes to be a living Church is a man always expecting to meet Plato and Shakespeare to-morrow at breakfast. He is always expecting to see some truth that he has never seen before."
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"Orthodoxy makes us jump by the sudden brink of hell; it is only afterwards that we realise that jumping was an athletic exercise highly beneficial to our health. it is only afterwards that we realise danger is the root of all drama and romance. The strongest argument for divine grace is simply its ungraciousness."

--

Creativity and Love

Within us all is the desire to create. The desire to express ourselves. We seek beauty. We wish we could stand upon the mountaintops and scream to all the nations the truth we know. We dance, sing, paint, write, film, speak, and move. We dream.

We want to pour out all that is in us and make something more.

But most of us never do.

We think creativity is the artist’s task. But I think a central part of our human identity is in our creativity.

It is the artist’s task to make us realize that we are all creators. Art is to be more than admired; it must inspire. In the masterworks, I see the creative spirit fully employed, pressed to the single task of creating a work greater than the worker. This creative spirit is central to all human life. I will never paint a masterpiece, but I can fully employ the creativity gifted to me in order to thrive.

I consider a life worth living to be a life following God. To follow God requires using all the creativity within us that He has given to us. Christ tells us that following God essentially comes down to loving Him, and loving other people. Simple right? Well, how do we do that? I hold that love is the ultimate creative act.

Without imagination and creativity there can be no true love. Love requires us to see that our good is tied to others’ good. To see that we gain through giving. To shift our focus outward is a work of art. Love asks us to look beyond how things are to how things might be. I think that love should not be a reactive feeling but a proactive pursuit carried out in hope. Love brings hope to reality. For the current reality is certainly not one of hope and love. We live in times of despair, angst, and outrage. We distrust our leaders; we distrust each other. I think we need not more leadership, but love. But to love in these times will take the utmost of our creative spirit. May we all imagine a world put to right and use our creative gifts to bring it about.

Thanksgiving

I have so much to be thankful for: a supportive family... friends who have become my family here... food (especially when it is free)... the freedom to adventure, to play, to try new things... unexpected opportunities... even work and school are a joy to me...

And this Thanksgiving is sure to be full of family and food, as it should be, yet it will not quite be full. This will be my first Thanksgiving without my grandfather.

Saturday, the waves beat steadily against the ferry as my family headed out to Whidbey Island. As we drove to the church, I looked out at the trees passing by and watched the last of the leaves gently give themselves to the wind. We gathered in the foyer as the rain pattered outside. We gathered in the strange celebration that is grief, tears welling at the pain of loss, yes, but more in a wonder and thankfulness for the gift of life, and for a life fully lived.

My grandpa was the most incredibly gentle man. I never saw him angry. He was not a man of many words, but his presence would warm a room. He always greeted me with a broad smile and made me feel so wonderfully loved. And I know he made so many others feel loved as well. Saturday, I sat with tears flowing as I listened to my dad and his brothers, my grandfather’s sons, as they told of their father, the love he had for them, and how he helped to make them who they are today, and I saw how he helped make me who I am today.

I am thankful for my grandfather and how he showed me how to live gently in a world of tumult, to work hard, to live fully no matter the circumstances, and to love the person in front of you no matter who they are. And I am thankful for our God who made him so. I am thankful for our God who enters into our grief.

We have as the symbol of our faith the cross. It is a symbol of loss, Christ understands our suffering; he welcomes our tears. But the cross is also a symbol of hope; we know the rest of the story.

So, I cried plenty Saturday morning, but I did not despair. That night, my whole family gathered with my grandma, with Grandpa Dick on all our minds, we ate and drank, and we laughed. Then the call went up for my dad and uncles to lead a song. Apparently, when they were boys, my grandpa would sing to them this little piece of nonsense "The Horses Run Around." Lyrics were printed off, and so in our grief and in our joy we all sang these ridiculous lines: "Oh, the horses run around, their feet are on the ground; Oh, who will wind the clock while I'm away, away?" And I am thankful for I know that our God was right there crying, laughing, and singing right along. 

1 Corinthians 13

We love 1 Corinthians 13.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

How wonderful is love. How often I have heard these verses. I, too, love them and often come back to them. How encouraging it is that love counters all that is dark. We see how love counters that within us that we try to hide away. We see the beauty of love.

"Love never fails."

We quote in triumph.We are reassured. And it is true, love is triumphiant, love overcomes the darkness, love is beautiful, love never fails.

But how often we fail to love. O how often I fail to love. I am not reassured. I am not comforted. I am convicted.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."

I may speak in the very same language as the angels, I may perceive the very truth of God, I may have a faith as strong as Abraham's, I may serve others with all that I am even to the point of utmost suffering, but if I do not have love, it is all for naught. Everything I know and everything I do is of no consquence if I do not possess that mysterious and abundant love of God.

Yet, how do we love? How do I, with all my being and all my actions, serve God and people? How do I let love permeate my entire existence? I am convinced that I will only love as I am overwhelmed by God's love. I will only love as I stand in the unalterable grace of God and it let it transform me. Often, I focus on what I am doing, but it is clear that I can do the best things in the world, but it really doesn't matter that much if those actions are not an outpouring of love. That is not to say that I shouldn't strive to speak as the angels do, to trust as Abraham trusted, and to serve others to my dying day; all these things are on Christ's Way. But I must recognize that they are not the end. The end is love. The end is restoration of God's fullness of being in relationship to all creation in an infinitely divine and mysterious love that is continually poured out, received and poured out again.

Meditation #3: Joy

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy." 1 Peter 1:8

Joy rests not in us, but in Him. It is a fruit of the Spirit, an outpouring received. We do not rejoice in our own strength, rather we rejoice in the Lord. It is not in our power to grasp joy for it is a divine mystery that dwells in the most unusual of places.

The darkness swells, but it cannot overcome the light. Joy persists. The darkness, the looming cloud, despair, brokenness, the whelming flood, all that comes in the night, all bitterness, all fear, all doubt, all that impending doom that these words seem only to grasp, all of that cannot even comprehend the light. Joy comes at the revelation of this light. Joy comes at the revelation of the darkness as only shadows, dark yes, but of no substance. Joy is freedom.

Joy need not be giddy happiness, but neither need it be resignation. It is perception. It is vision of what has been, what is, and what will be without seeing. It is submission to that invisible vision and to the One who created all. In that submission comes freedom from having to understand and the freedom of trust, of letting go. And in that freedom comes joy.

A Poem From Two Years Ago

Into the Grave

cursed, cursed

saved, saved

we are cursed

we are saved

destined to die

brought back to life

falling into the grave

rising into the skies

into the flames

into the sun

hopeless

hopeful

and abandoned

and taken in

we cry out

we cry out

but our voices sink

and our voices lift

down into the depths

up through the clouds

soon to be our home

soon to be our home

prepared for us

prepared for us

by the darkness

by the light

that consumes

that consumes

cursed, cursed

saved, saved

we are cursed

we are saved

---

I wrote that 1 year 364 days ago. Funny that it should come to me now. I wanted to be a poet once, but I realized I never would be. Now I see, that it was only at that realization that my poetry stopped. I stopped expressing and started analyzing. I was a poet as long as I didn't worry whether I was one or not. 

It is time to pick up the pen again not to create something new of value but to let go of something trapped within. 

Lord, Free Me from Myself

I am free from Facebook, but I am not free from myself.

Eliminating Facebook has helped to bring more clarity to my life. I did not realize how weighed down I was until I had the bonds cut loose. Yet, I have also seen in this newfound clarity, that Facebook was/is not the root of the issue. Facebook is not in and of itself evil. It can be used graciously and lovingly, but it brought out the worst in me. That sentence is very telling: it brought out the worst in me.

Facebook isn’t my problem. Sin is my problem. Facebook was merely a space in which my sinful nature rose to the fore.  Facebook exacerbated my laziness, fears, pride, jealousy, judgment, distrust and self-absorption but in a seemingly harmless guise. I got caught up in a false reality, and I did not see how sin was taking a hold of me. I needed to get rid of Facebook, but now with it gone I see that what I really need to be rid of is laziness, fears, pride, jealousy, judgment, distrust, and self-absorption.

I cannot free myself from these things. It is only by the grace of God, and Christ working through the Spirit in me that I will be made free.  Of course, that doesn’t mean I do nothing. I must continually seek the divine mystery of grace in faith. I ask for grace even in the seeking of that grace. I try to walk forward, stumbling and haltingly, but ever forward toward Christ. For my freedom will come not in deleting an online account but in pursuing an authentic relationship with God, and his Sprit is poured out on me.

Christ, live within me and vanquish my sinful nature. Thank you for your unalterable grace in which I stand as You have poured out your love on me. I want to be freed of all that keeps me from you. I want to draw near to you. Lord, free me from myself. 

Facebook Free

After four years of usage, 440 or so “friends” made, 100+ photo albums created, dozens of events hosted, and innumerable inane status updates posted, I have deactivated my Facebook. It was with much grief that I said goodbye to countless CastleVille requests, Christian Mingle side-bar ads, and the ability to wish people I wouldn’t recognize in person “happy birthday!” There is one less Scott Jackson out there on the interwebs. I am Facebook free.

Of course, there are aspects of Facebook I really do miss. I enjoyed knowing what my friends from back home are up to, and I even occasionally interacted with them beyond just stalking. I planned and went to my fair share of events. I miss the ability to share and comment on photos that hold so many fond memories. And, really, who doesn’t cherish the ability to instantly garner an audience of potentially hundreds for any thought that pops into your head?

Facebook is an incredibly powerful forum for communication and connection. Officially, over one billion people now use the online service. Facebook has become a prime symbol for globalization envisioning a world in which we all are connected. At its best, Facebook serves as a platform for creative expression, reconnection, dialogue, collective action, encouragement, organization and humor. Facebook can be an imaginative tool for interaction and sharing life together.

But it was killing me. Every time I logged onto Facebook, I felt the life slowly sucked out of me. I couldn’t handle it. Despite all the supposed and real benefits mentioned above, I ultimately concluded that on the whole Facebook was detrimental for my academic, social, emotional and spiritual health.

  Facebook is a huge time waster. Just going on for a short homework break inevitably turned into going through every new status update, creeping through peoples’ photos, or just staring blankly at the page hitting refresh.

I found myself living for that little red flag in the upper left. My self-worth became equated with the number that flag contained. All I wanted on Facebook was to be “liked.” I wanted to be loved, admired, pitied; everything was about me. I carefully crafted every comment, post, subtitle, and event in order to gain attention. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to constantly be self-seeking, but I couldn’t stop.

            Facebook brought out the worst in me. I became jealous, callous and judgmental. Sitting in my room by myself, it seemed like everyone else was out having a grand time. When others rejoiced, I did not celebrate with them. And when others suffered, I did not empathize with them. Facebook was not about caring for people but for gaining juicy new pieces of information. I passed judgment on the whole character of a person based on mere hundreds of characters posted online.

            Facebook isn’t real. It’s a game. It’s a social front. My Facebook profile was a construction of my imagination rooted in how I wanted others to perceive me and designed to hide my fears, anxieties and weaknesses.  Facebook did not reflect my story, and it hindered me from caring about other people and their story. 

For my own sanity, I needed to get rid of it. Yet, I think, Facebook can be redeemed. I think Facebook can be used to love on other people, to share the joys and sorrows in life, and to connect with people in real life. But, I think, I am probably not the only one for whom Facebook has been more life-draining than life-giving. If Facebook is a burden in your life, let it go for a time. Be set free. 

Gone Away

As you drift off to sleep, the brilliant thought comes only to be lost in the ensuing darkness. I am not falling asleep, but the last month or so I feel that I have been walking by moonlight. Life has been both beautiful and terrifying. So much stirs with me, but it seems to all slip away. Truths and dreams drift in and out only to dissipate. I have so much to say, but having not said it, I don't know if I ever will. All I want is to be known, but I do not want to be known because I want to be known.

I do not know what I am saying, yet I know exactly what it is I mean. So it has been in my mind of late.

Meditation #2: Love

"The fruit of the Spirit is love..."

If I rejoice at your demise, then I have given myself over to hate. If I don't care about your demise, or worse, don't even bother to notice, then I have given myself over to the more subtle trap of indifference. Both are equally grave. And both are overcome by love. Love is not simply passively not hating. In its fullness, loves comes alive as Paul said in patience, kindness, humility, honor, etc. (1 Corinthians 13).

At the root of love is perception -- to see, to understand, to know. Bigotry, discrimination and condemnation all begin to dissipate as we come to know the other. It is awfully hard to hate someone or remain indifferent to them after hearing their story. When we see who God is and when we see who the person in front of us is, then we are moved to love.

Of course, sometimes we think we know God and we think we know the other, but we remain in hate or indifference. To truly know God and others, we must see beyond ourselves. The box we stuff the world into needs to be removed. We tend to view the world always in reference to ourselves. God is my God and what he has done for me. Others fall into my categories and their value is based on their relation to me. But, of course, God is completely beyond my comprehension; He is in and of Himself. And, others exist not in my world, but in God's world as their own created complete selves.

So, then, when we perceive God and others as they are, we are moved to love. This is extremely difficult to do which is why love is a fruit of the Spirit. We, by our humanly nature, cannot love. We cannot see, understand and know God and people, at least not all clearly. So, we are dependent on God's love. God, fully knowing us and fully knowing Himself was moved to love. We ask Him to make this move in us. We ask Him to turn our heads to Him and to others as we strive with all our might to continually do so. And, then, as we begin to perceive we ask him to move us to act upon our knowledge. We ask that in His love, we too might love.

Sanctification

I am sinner: selfish, prideful, apathetic, judgmental, often jealous, fearful, etc. But, of course, it's not just me; sin is a human condition. We all have our unique hang-ups, our deadly quirks. Even the saints among us have their faults. In fact, it is the saints who are most acutely aware of their total depravity. We all just can't seem to see past ourselves. Even when we unselfishly seek to do "good," our selfish desire for recognition creeps in, or we base our self-worth in being "good."

All we are called to do is "love God and love people." We are to see God and see others, but we walk about as we with a mirror constantly in front of us. We are naturally selfish. How, then, can Christ say "be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect."? How, then, can we love?

The short answer: because God first loved us. Our love always begins with God's love. It is the working of the Spirit in us that combats our fleshly nature and allows us to love. This isn't to say that we are not involved in the process; our will is very much involved but ultimately it is God's will to love that frees us to love Him back. Ultimately, we are utterly dependent on God's grace.

Grace. It is a mystery beyond all human comprehension. Jesus embodies grace. It took him all the way to the cross and up from the grave. It is that supreme act of grace, Christ's death and resurrection that frees us not only from death but also frees us to live.

This is sanctification: to turn from death to life. To turn from those things that destroy and corrupt ourselves and others to those things that bring about abundant life. The problem is that we have a misconstrued vision of what life is. Remember we are stuck looking at ourselves in the mirror. So, our idea of abundant life is warped into ideas of wealth, status, and personal satisfaction. This is not life.

Full life is to love God and others with all our heart, mind, strength and soul entering into God's perfect wholeness. It is grace that allows us to do this. It is grace that breaks the mirror in front of us.

But we can stand in the way of grace. We have a choice to make. Jesus says, "if you love me, keep my commands" (John 14:15). We are asked to pursue Christ with all we have. We are continually to try and live in His Way. Yet, we know we will never make it. Like Paul, even when we try to do good we will fall into evil. But we must still relentlessly try to follow his commands. Then Jesus says "And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever."

We are never alone. Christ has offered us the Spirit. It is the Spirit that works within us carrying out God's grace putting our fleshly nature to the death. The Spirit brings us life. For the fruits of the Spirit are "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." We can never reach these on our own.

How, then, can we love? We constantly seek to follow Christ commands. We listen, we read, we pray. We attempt to look to God in all things. We use our whole will to pursue Christ. But, then, as we continually fall short, we ask for God's grace. We ask for God's love to allow us to love. We ask for God's will to supplant our will. We ask for God's embrace to ever draw us closer to Him for on our own we are lost.

Meditation #1: Meditation

I gaze upon a small wooden cross in the palm of my hand. It but a small piece of wood, with eight small cuts to remove each corner. As far as crosses go, simple. There may well be millions, maybe even billions just so across the world. A trinket. Yet, as I gaze I see not this small piece of wood but that terrible cross. That cross upon which the son of man, the son of God was hung.

I see Him. I see his face, wrenched. Blood drips slowly. Sweat forms on his forehead, mirrors the crowds gathered round.

And in that reflection, I see myself. Gazing upward. But what contorts my face? Am I crying in anguish at my Christ, my Lord, my love crucified? Or am I shouting with the crowd: "Crucify! Crucify!"?

Now I cry. For he is the Christ, my Lord, my love, but so often I follow the crowd, I turn away, I walk my own path. But I want to walk in His way, in the Way. So, I continue to gaze. I continue to look to the perfect one. I want to continually look to him. I want to continually be more like Him. I gaze and ask for the grace to be more like him. Christ, take me up to that cross, lead me on that narrow path, take my whole self.

This post begins a series of intentional gazing. I want to be more like that man upon that Cross and so I will contemplate Him and His Way.

Reflection on Everything

Well, at least, every physical thing of which I could claim ownership. So, not really everything at all, but rather all "my" things. Roughly 759 things to be more exact. Of course, the number is relative. Is a folder of letters one thing or whatever the number of letters happens to be? I tended to side with counting such things as one, but the number is really not the point.

The point of this whole exercise was try to get a grasp on everything that has been given unto me. What all do I really have? What didn't I know that I had? What am I holding onto? What is worth holding onto? I don't want to be ruled by my stuff. I want to be a good steward. It is easy to be ruled by stuff, and hard to be a good steward when you don't even know what all you have. Well, now that I know, now what?

I've realized I am wealthy. I've always known that I am well-off, but I always associated  my wealth with that of my parents. Now that I am on my own, I see that I myself am wealthy. That is despite the fact that I am still dependent on my parents. They pay my tuition and rent, but even if those funds were cut off I would still be considered rich from a global perspective. All my essential needs are met in plenty. And then, I have so much more.

Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God. - Matthew 19:23-24

As a rich man, I am utterly dependent on the grace of God. All that I have is to be used for the glory of God. For it is really not mine at all. All is God's From dust I came, to dust I will return. Earthly treasures will be destroyed.

What, then, am I to do? The answer is not to go and sell all my stuff out of a sense of guilt. The sin of the rich man was not that he was rich but that he wasn't willing to let go of his riches. What matters is what you treasure. To store up treasure in heaven is to recognize that any that is of value lies above, to recognize that whether you have much or little of earthly possessions they are all worth naught.

I don't not think there is any hard and fast rule about how many earthly possessions one may have. If we focus on our stuff, whether trying to gain or trying to give away, we miss the point. I could give all I possess to the poor but if I do not have love, it makes no difference (1 Cor. 13:3). It's not about what we get or give, but about how we love.

When we love God, when he is our sole desire, when we desperately seek him out, then we are freed from the bondage of relying on our things. God is all we need. He is sufficient. He is our sustenance. We seek the grace of God so that we may love and in so doing freely give and receive. We ask for God's grace so that we might hold onto no thing, but use all for his glory. We ask for God's grace so that we might see beyond ourselves, and love others with all that we have been given.

I am utterly dependent on the grace of God. I am a rich man in a poor world. I cannot live according to the ways of the world. The American dream is a false dream. God alone will suffice. And, so, I ask for his grace that I might truly love and be freed from my stuff.

Everything

This is a record of everything that I can think of/find that is in my singular possession at this moment.

FURNITURE

Bed

Couch

Desk

Desk-chair

CLOTHING AND LINENS

Bed spread and sheets (2 sets)

Blankets (2)

Sleeping Bag

Shoes (4 pairs)

Boots

Flip-flops

Track Spikes

Jeans (3)

Dress Pants (2)

Running Pants

Painting Pants

Sweatshirts (2)

Underwear (17)

Long Underwear

Socks (19 pairs)

Wool Socks (4 pairs)

T-shirts (20)

Long-sleeve Shirts (2)

Work Shirts (5)

Dress Shirts (3)

African Shirt

Running Shirts (6)

Shorts (8)

Short-shorts (2)

Swim trunks

Hats (2)

Beanies (5)

Rain Jackets (2)

Sports Coat

Tie

Towels (3)

Belts (2)

Gloves (2)

Dress

Bandanas (3)

UPS Uniform

Lab Coat

Lab Goggles

Star Sunglasses

Wristbands (5)

Necklaces (3)

Backpack

ON MY PERSON 

Keys

Whistle

Wallet

Debit Card

Sea-Pac Pass

Driver’s License

Library Cards

Insurance Cards

Food Handler’s Permit

Starbucks’ Gift Cards

Movie Theater Gift Card

Business Cards

BOOKS (161)

BIBLES (7)

OFFICE, SCHOOL and ART SUPPLIES 

Journals (3)

Small Notebook Journals (2)

Box of Old Journals

Big Drawing Paper

Scotch Tape

Boxes of Oil Pastels (2)

Tacks

Elmer’s Glue

Colored Pencils

Push Pins

Large and Small Envelopes

Desk Organizers (3)

White Out (2)

Pads of Stick Notes (6)

Box of Staples

Box of Paperclips

Numerous Rubber Bands

Numerous Clothespins

Construction Paper

Drawer of Markers, Pens, Pencils

Ruler

Notebook Paper

Pads of Paper (3)

Pencil Sharpener

Stapler

Hole Punch

Blank CDs

CD Sleeves

Note Cards

Folder of Bank Records

Checkbook and Checks

Binders (4)

Blank Notebooks (7)

TECHNOLOGY 

Speakers and Receiver

CDs (23)

Cell Phone

Cell Phone Charger

30gb Zune

Camera

Mini Tripod

Laptop

Laptop Case

Ethernet Cord

Graphing Calculator

Headphone

External Hardrive

Wireless Mouse

Booklight

HOUSEHOLD and GARDEN ITEMS 

Clocks (3)

Box Fan

Vacuum Cleaner

Work Gloves (2)

Trowel

Clippers

Weed Puller

Rake

Edger

Screwdriver

Tool Box

Lamps (2)

Candle holder

Candles (3)

Clocks (2)

Air Freshener

Multi-Purpose Tool

Windex

All Purpose Cleaner

Soft Scrub

Dust Spray

Cleaner Carrier

Sponges (2)

KITCHEN 

Knife Block

Candy Jar

Napkin Holder

Napkins

Dixie Cups

Water Bottles (3)

Tupperware (10)

Glasses (7)

Mugs (5)

Boxes of Ziplock Bags (2)

Saran Wrap

Aluminum Foil

Cutting Board

Dinner Plates (5)

Small Plates (3)

Bowls (4)

Silverward

Can Opener

Ice Cream Scoop

Serving Spoons (4)

Spatulas (3)

Knife Sharpener

Cheese Grater

Tongs

Cookie Sheets (2)

Mixing Bowls (3)

Colanders (2)

Baking Pans (2)

Sauce Pans (2)

Stock Pot

Saute Pan

Tray

Hand towels (4)

Oven Mitt

FOOD 

Salt and Pepper

Other Spices (12)

Olive Oil (2)

Vegetable Oil

Canola Oil

Sugar

Salt

Baking Powder

Flour

Popcorn (2 boxes)

Pancake Mix

Bags of Pasta (7)

Jars of Pasta Sauce (2)

Rice

Cans of Soup (2)

Multigrain Cheerios

Homemade Croutons

Homemade Breadcrumbs

Store Breadcrumbs

Sriracha

Jars of Peanut Butter (2)

Jars of Jam (2)

Oatmeal

Brown Sugar

Syrup

Dry Roasted Almonds

Redbull

Butter

Cheese

Eggs

Milk

BBQ Sauce

Tortillas

Salad Dressings (3)

Ketchup

Mustard

Spinach

Bell pepper

Vanilla Ice Cream

Frozen Breakfast Sandwiches

Frozen Chocolate

Frozen Black Berries

Frozen Corn

Packs of Gum (2)

Mints

BATHROOM 

Tote

Ibuprofen

Chap Stick (2)

Shampoo (4)

Conditioner

Box of Band Aids

Hair Gel (2)

Neosporin

Combs

Sunscreen

Hand soap (3)

Kleenex

Toothpaste (2)

Toothbrush

Razors (3)

Shaving Cream (2)

Night Guard

Acne Cream

Nail Clippers

Aloe Vera

Deodorant (2)

Bar Soap (2)

Floss (2)

Hand Lotion

Bug Spray

Hair Dryer

SPORTS, TOYS, and GAMES 

Tennis Racket

Bocce Ball

Basketball

Frisbee

Board Games (7)

Bike

Bike Lock

Bike Helmet

MEMORIES 

Box of Mementoes

      Duct-tape Sword

Honduras Photo Book

Coffee Design Booklet

Child Dedication Certificate

Mariner’s Banner

Jr. High Winter Retreat Wishes

5^th Grade Egyptian Mask

Rock Collection

Childhood Bible

All-star Game Banner and Patch

Volcano Mug

Toy Cars and Airplanes

Scooby-Doo and Bat

Camp Casey Badge

Camp Casey Photos

Address Wristband

Leaving Elementary School Photos

Box of High School Memories

Journal from Honduras

“Bra Photo”

Folder of Notes and Keepsakes from Church Friends

Binder of Gifts, Cards and Letters

Wood box from Honduras

Miniature Paintings

Little figurines and gifts I keep on my desk (16)

Folder of Letter and Notes I’ve Received

Handmade wood box

Great-Grandfather’s Pedometer

Photos of Family (12)

MISCELLANEOUS

Fish bowls (3)

J-Kwon Fernando III

Navajo Arrow from Tuba City

Posters (20)

Cardboard Tubes (3)

Photos of the Seasons

Jackson and Scott Street Photo

Wooden “SCOTT” made in woodshop

Ichiro Bobble Head

Rain Stick

Husky Statue

Volcanic Rock

Magnetic Men Toy

Miscellaneous Relay For Life Items

Reusable Bags (5)

Pink Wrapping Paper

Maps of Seattle (2)

Lighters (3)

Cup of Coins

Glow Sticks

Pocketknives (2)

Fog Machine

Box of Ink Cartridges and Old Cell Phones

Photo Holders/Frames (3)

Tin of Rare and Foreign Coinage

Seattle’s World Fair Official Medals

Apollo Missions 11-17 Medals

13 Colonies Coin Collection

Apollo 11 Stamp and Eisenhower Dollar

Titanic Coin

American Nickels of the 20^th Century

It's an awful lot. I want to reflect on this more, but right now it's time for bed.

Taking Stock

For the first time in my life everything that I own is fully in my possession. Nothing more at the parents'. Bed, clothes, books, old school works, knick-knacks, everything attached to the person of Scott Jackson is now with me.

It's rather overwhelming just how much of it there is. I need to take stock. Down to the last sock and penny, I am going to count and record it all. I never want to be ruled by my stuff. I want to live in such away that all that all that I hold onto I am willing to let go of. For all will fade away. But, right now, I am holding onto a lot.  I have a lot of crap. So much, in fact, that I don't even know what all I have, but I am going to find out.

The Life I Want to Live

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed,which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility,gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. 

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Colossians 3: 1-17

Talking

How will I speak?
What's my voice?
Do I have anything to say at all?
What if words fail me?
What if I fail my words?